Sometimes I laugh...

Decided to do a new LJ cuz apparently I'm the Introspective/Bleeding Heart Ranger.  The new lj is introemoranger, so yea...add me as your friend, check it out for all my emo news.

NOVA then GMU for a masters in English and then get my teaching liscence?  I could do it...I might even enroll in NOVA this fall, but idk, it's kinda scary...no, really, I'm really fucking scared.  I don't want to fuck up in college like I did in high school.  I wanna go, I wanna learn, I wanna do good, but it's so difficult for me to do that with school...

Gah, a Lee's invaded my house! g2g

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

...but here's a shout out to Class 2007.  Congratulations, I'm so proud of you all!

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I spent SOOOOO much money today...I feel dirty.  This is what I bought:

• Shorts
• Dress pants
• Dress shirt
• Tube top
• Belt
• Wallet
• Two pairs of shoes
• Hair band
• 2 Build-a-Bears (for my dad and Lee)

I spent so much money, I feel so bad...so next week's tips are entirely dedicated to rent--NOTHING ELSE.  PERIOD.

Saw Jason today, introduced him to Lee and all them.  They got along.  That made me happy.  Happy, happy, happy.

Patience is a virtue that I lack.  Things I'm waiting for:

1. Concert
2. Otakon
3. Being able to...well...stuff...

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I can finally picture Dwight with short hair and not flip out! ^_^

I've been holding onto the dredges of a dead relationship for way too long.  It's June, I shouldn't be like this anymore, and yet, I am...it's horrible.  I'm letting go...I have new goals, new ambitions, new ideas that DON'T revolve around Dwight, but I envy him, because he had that all along.  I feel like such a fool.

Secrets secrets are no fun...and god, do I wish I could tell the world mine.

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I had fun at Kings Dominion, but "prom" was fairly anti-climatic.  I had much more fun last year at the REAL prom...I think you guys underestimate prom quite a bit.  Last years' prom was really fun, Dwight and I enjoyed ourselves quite a bit.

I think Lily passed me the plague, but I guess that's just what I get from hanging out with him so much.  Gah, haven't seen him in a couple of days...feels kinda weird, truth-be-told.

My room's a wreck, the kitchen's a wreck and I feel too sick to clean either.  I wanted to go to the bank today, but I don't feel so great.

When will my life get back on track, when can I move out, and above all, where the FUCK is my phone?!  You all know who I miss more than anyone, but 'sall good...I'll see him again...someday...

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I NEED INFORMATTTTIIIIIIOOOOOON!!!

WHEN will this be?
WHO'S house are we going to afterwards?
WHO all is coming?
WHY are we going to IHOP?

...scratch that last question.

Can we please make it somewhere around 9.30?  We (Lily and I) need to get ready after we come back from King's Dominion.

I need more details about the thing on Saturday, and can we make it NOT at IHOP?  Text me, you should have my number.

I have a permanent, unconditional ban from the Clark household.  This doesn't surprise me, but apparently it was said in a fairly nasty manner, so it upsets me.

I'm cursed by genetics.

I'm starting to miss Dwight again, and it really bothers me.  He's so close, yet so far away...

I'm cursed by genetics.

Got cut early because there were too many servers on the floor.  No clue how much I made, but it was slow as hell, so it couldn't have been much.

I applied to Uno's last night, and I should be getting a call on Monday.  Hopefully we can set something up.

I made rent, and I SHOULD have the money to go to King's Dominion.  I got Tuesday and Saturday off, so that should be good.

I want to move out.  I want to move out really badly.  IF I get this job at Uno's, I'll probably end up moving out after Otakon, probably in August.  IF that happens, I probably won't move to Chico.

Whatever.  I need some sleep.  Goodnight.

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I live each day with a bitter fondness of the past and a fear of the future.  I'm scared of many things, and tired of many more, but that doesn't stop me from carrying on...I'm just not sure how much more I can take.

I'm applying to Uno's.  I know someone there who's gonna try to hook me up.
I'm...in love with one of my greatest fears--love.
I'm infatuated right now, and it scares me.
I'm still in love, and that scares me even more.
It's Dwight's birthday...Happy Birthday, Dwight.  I miss you more than you'll ever know.

I'm sick of the IHOP crowd.  Uno's is more "sophisticated" and people spend more money there.  I hear the managers are decent, and it's not a half-bad atmosphere.  Jason, a new buddy of mine, talked me into it--he works there.

Lily-Lee is the only person I can truly give my time to right now--I just can't seem to focus on anyone else (except for maybe JonJon).

I waste so much fucking time doing nothing...I gotta go play WoW

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I'll say it again: I bought the dress.  I bought the jewelry.  I bought the purse, and I already had the shoes.  I figured out exactly how I wanted to do my hair and decided to get a peticure, and for what?  Absolutely nothing.

Miguel said he'd take me, and then he backed out.
Alex, YOU told me you'd take me, and then you backed out.  You also mentioned that Ben had wanted to ask me.
Ben, you said you didn't want to do it.

I refuse to go with someone I barely know.  I know no one else that I'd want to go with.

This is my senior prom...or at least, the senior prom I was SUPPOSED to attend--my rightful senior prom, if you will.  I was so excited when I first found out I was going, and I bought a dress that looked AMAZING on me.  Then, Miguel said he didn't want to go.  Morgan got a gf, which freed up Alex, who said he'd go with me.  Then HE backed out for reasons unknown.  He told me that Ben wanted to go with me, so I asked Ben, and what did Ben say?  He said he didn't want to go.  Well guess what?  FUCK THAT.  I've had enough of this bullshit, I'm just gonna go to King's Dominion with Lily and all them instead.

...the only problem I have is that now I don't have any occasion to wear my dress...

~Ashley N. Smith

I dreamed of Dwight again last night.  Liz invited us both to her wedding in hopes of getting us back together...I got that far, and then I woke up.  Oh, and Ben stole my Mac 'n Cheese while I was playing WoW.  Bad Ben, bad!

I hate dreaming about Dwight, it makes me sad.  When I was in the hospital, I dreamed about him for the first five or so days, and it depressed the hell out of me--I was barely able to function.  I can still function today and do all the things I need to, I'm just depressed, which is bad, because I haven't been depressed in a while, not even late at night.

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I have two new ones: Freya & Vivi from FF9 with their quotes (the one you see now is Vivi).  Freya's says "To be forgotten is worse than death".  As emo as they are, I'm quite proud of them.  The Vivi one seems pretty fitting for my more recent posts, so I decided to make that one my main.

I think I might've scraped rent for this month (or at least I hope so).  I get my paychecks tomorrow and I'll be going down to the bank to deposit, and hopefully take out, money so I the whole rent thing is solved, and maybe I can get my information for my online account taken care of--I'd really like to be able to keep track of my transactions.

Otakon's coming up.  I'm saving for the hotel room, food, moogle cosplay, and, most importantly, the dealer's room.  I do believe Piano Squall will be there, so I'll be getting his autograph again XD

Work's been ok, but they scheduled me crap hours last week, so I didn't make jack.  Luckily though, they did my 4-12 request for the upcoming week and I have Monday and Tuesday off, so I should be making some half-way decent money.

Orders of Business for Monday

1. Get paychecks
2. Go to bank
1. Deposit money
2. Check balance
3. Fix online account
4. Take out money if I have enough for rent
3. Hang out with Lily 

Orders of Business for Tuesday

1. Go to therapy
2. Get rat food
3. Get new work shoes

...I know there's more I have to do on Tuesday...

Days I Need to Request Off

1. June 2: Prom
2. June 29: Concert
3. July 20-22: Otakon

I decided not to go on the family vaca with my mom & co. because I NEED to work and make the money so I can pay rent and waste the rest on Otakon =P  I can't wait for prom!!!  Alex, Miguel's gonna track you down and talk to you and give you money, so if some tall, bulky Hispanic guy taps you on the shoulder or whatever, don't be too alarmed or taken aback.

Ok, I'm done for now.  If any of you remember what I have to do on Tuesday, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thanx.

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

The first (second?) time we broke up, Dwight told me I was living in my own little fantasy world.  I'm not sure whether or not he's right, but I like what I do, and while I'm still hurting over our recent break up, I like life.  There are a few things I want, and will, change, but all in due time, right?

If I'm living a fantasy life, then real life can go fuck itself.  In real life people make themselves miserable.

There is no way to fall out of love with someone. When you are truly in love, you're in love for life, no matter what may happen.

...I'm still in love with Chester. After so many years, so many tears, and so many horrible things surrounding us and our relationship, I still love the bastard...and I know he loves me too.

You can't forget true love, it's just there. An infatuation you can blow off (and I've had MANY infatuations), but true love is a completely different ball game. It's when you KNOW you could spend forever with that person and never regret it. It's an unconditional love. It's getting through the good times AND the bad.

I'm afraid of true love. I've loved twice in my life, and both times I've been hurt a great deal. I've wanted to die because I was no longer allowed to love them the way I had been loving them. I've wanted to die because I felt like I wasn't good enough for the ONE PERSON I wanted to be with forever and always. I mapped my future around them (an idiotic move, I'll admit), but riddle me this Batman: what future do I have?

I have no future. I have no dreams or goals or aspirations, I just want to live a happy life and work on my miscellaneous projects one at a time. I'll probably end up waiting for the rest of my life, which doesn't break my heart because I like the work. I'm moving to my home town next year, where I'll get back in touch with myself a bit, and then come back and continue to do nothing. I enjoy doing nothing.

People say I'm wasting away, and that I have potential. I hate it when people say things like that. What about ME? What about what I want? Fuck them. I'll do whatever the fuck I wanna do, and that's that. No one seems to get that. I don't want to be in debt half my life because I decided to get a degree that I'd do nothing with.

 

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

My dad said he'd take up WoW so we could play together.  We're gonna make our toons at the same time and play with them ONLY when the other is so we level at the same rate and are at the same place at the same time.  It'll be fun.

Love,
Ashley N. Smith

I bought the dress.  I bought the jewelry.  I bought the purse, and I figured out exactly how I wanted to style my hair....

...and then Miguel pussied out, so now I can't go.  Either find me a date, or find me a GOOD excuse to wear the dress.

Check card + money in the bank = WoW & tickets to the Video Games Live concert.  I dinged level 5 within an hour, and I'm hitting Dark Spear Straight tomorrow (need to get ready for work now).  I'm a very happy person.  This is the happiest I've been in a long time.

Me thinks I'll apply for a WoW credit card ^______^

Love,
Ashley N. Smith